im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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