Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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