toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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