to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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