Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I currently don't understand fingers.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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