At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
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