you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
