Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
