Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
