DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
