you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
