it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
