I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
