I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
