On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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