3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
