How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
