I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
