She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
