dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
