today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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