I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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