I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
