It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
