literally had 100 drinks last night.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.