youre lurking in front of me
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
