i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
