I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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