she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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