Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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