it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
