Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Soap is not a condiment
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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