Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
