This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
