Whod you bang
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Randomize
