yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
