we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
