it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
