I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
