Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
