...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
