when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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