I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
What drink are we having for lunch?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
