No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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