They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jไger and an empty bed here Friday.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." ๐ ๐๐ท
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