My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
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I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
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I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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