On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
false alarm. still invincible.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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