If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
