I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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