two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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