I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
