Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
