So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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