Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
